And a Staff Choir Singing Out of Key
by TheBigCat
Summary: My Christmas Special! A parody of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Beware... includes an overly happy McGongall, insanely persistent Dumbledore, and an evil plot by our Golden Trio. Merry Christmas, Fanfiction! Oneshots part of a larger story.
1. A Staff Choir Singing Out of Key

_On the first day of Christmas, Dumbledore gave to me,_

_A staff choir singing out of key._

There had been horrible noises coming out of the teacher's lounge for days. Fred and George Weasley were running a betting pool on what it could be. The current odds favoured a magical hippopotamus starving, with Snape taking a shower in at 74%.

The truth, however, was not so dramatic, although it was equally horrible.

"Come on," yelled Dumbledore, annoyed. "How come none of you can sing in tune?"

Severus Snape sighed in exasperation and gave the Headmaster a Look.

"Headmaster, we are witches and wizards. None of us took any lessons on singing and we weren't planning to do so in the near future."

"Why are we doing this anyway?" chimed in tiny Professor Flitwick.

"Because I am your Headmaster, Fillius, and I hired you. I can easily fire you," Dumbledore snapped. "Now, one more time with 'Deck the Halls'."

The singing started up again- if you could call it that. The students that had been standing around near the staff room ran off, resolving to place a bet very soon. It was hippopotamus odds again.

Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger, having the Marauder's Map and an Invisibility Cloak, knew exactly what was happening in there. They were, at that very moment, crouched in a corner, watching Dumbledore's futile attempt at conducting the whole of the staff.

"I'm sure glad that we brought ear plugs," Harry remarked quietly.

"What?"

As the staff trooped out after a full hour of pointless practising, a small group of invisible people followed.

"One thing's for certain," Hermione said. "We can get a lot of money on betting."

"Hermione, you are an evil genius," Harry replied."

Ron still had ear plugs in.

"What?"


	2. Two Moving Paintings

_On the second day of Christmas, McGonagall gave to me,_

_Two moving paintings,_

_And a staff choir singing out of key._

The noise was still going. Everyone in Gryffindor could hear it, even up in their dormitory, with several silencing charms, the door barricaded, and a pillow over their heads.

When the noise (hippo?) stopped, everyone sighed in relief, and started to work on their things before it started up again.

The portrait hole opened up, and Professor McGonagall stepped in. She was holding two large packages, and everyone gulped. It was an ominous situation. Which made it a big surprise when she smiled (It looked very odd on her strict face) and said:

"Merry Christmas!"

Everyone audibly gasped, except for Ron, who still had the earplugs in, and was still doing his ever-so-late homework.

"I thought I'd brighten up the common room for you!"

She unwrapped the parcels, and two moving portraits beamed up at them, draped in tinsel and sparkles.

Hermione ran, her eyes offended.

"Hello!" said one. "My name is Sophie, and I can tell we'll all be SUCH good friends!" She squealed.

"What's the point," said the other one, a man. "We'll all die anyway. Life, what's so good about life?"

"Oh, don't mind him, that's Marvin," Sophie waved her hand dismissively. "He's such a spoilsport."

Professor McGonagall hung the paintings up, while Harry rested his head on his lap. This was going to be a _long _Christmas holidays.


	3. Three Children Dueling

_On the third day of Christmas, Umbridge gave to me,_

_Three students duelling,_

_Two moving paintings,_

_And a staff choir singing out of key._

"Snow!" yelled Lee Jordan in excitement, and Gryffindor piled outside. There was much excitement; it was time for the yearly duel against the three other houses. Of course, they only fought with snow, but hey, it's the thought that counts. A snow fort was quickly erected next to the lake, and an outpost was created so that they could bring fresh water from the depths, for some unknown reason. It was a unanimous decision that the Weasley twins should be the leaders. They were, of course, the troublemakers of the school.  
Harry flew silently above the school, and returned to the fort, where Pavarti, Katie and Lavender were making decorations for the fort, as well as a fireplace. What a great idea, inside a snow fort.

"The Slytherins have positioned just outside the ForbiddenForest," he reported. "And Hufflepuff are next to the gates. Ravenclaw seems to be hidden very well…"

That was as far as he got before they were hit by an onslaught of snowballs, thrown by a group of 4th year Hufflepuffs. Hermione was a demon of the snow, flinging ball as if her life depended on it.

Meanwhile, Fred and George joined the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team on brooms, where they flew off to the Slytherin base. They quickly dumped satchels of snow, and returned to base to collect more. Eventually Harry settled into a routine, fill up, dump, fly back…

Contrary to what a lot of people think, Slytherins are not stupid. At least, not all of them. The Slytherin Quidditch team got their rear in gear, and flew up to stage a mid-air snow battle. It was fast, furious, and the Snakes didn't have a chance.

Draco Malfoy, dripping with snow, and furious, aimed a spell at Harry, and brought him down. A duel commenced.

Meanwhile, the Ravenclaws had revealed their hiding spot… in the trees. There were several hollow trees around the Hogwarts grounds, and it was, simply, a fantastic defence point.

Anthony Goldstein dropped right into the middle of Draco and Harry's duel, and promptly joined in.

Professor Umbridge looked out of her window, saw a full scale battle, ran out screaming at everyone, and swiftly got a mouth full of snow for her trouble.


	4. Four Spellbooks

_On the fourth day of Christmas, Flitwick gave to me,_

_Four spell books,_

_Three students duelling,_

_Two moving paintings,_

_And a staff choir singing out of key._

Hermione Granger was curled up by the fire in the Common Room, reading four of her favourite spell books. They were so comprehensive, and they really seemed to help her studying.

There was a rap on the window. Hermione spun around. Nothing there. She continued to read.

Another rap. Hermione ignored it.

There was a pause, as if the tapper had given up. And then…

A flurry of tapping, almost like applause.  
Hermione spun around. This meant _war_. She pulled a set of drum sticks out of nowhere, and cast an echo spell. She tapped out a complex beat mix, ending with a drum roll.

Another pause.

Hermione grinned in satisfaction.

And then the mysterious person perfectly copied her beat.

She ground her teeth together.

A more complex beat was drummed out.

It was repeated by Hermione.

This continued on until Hermione, furious, tossed her spell books out the window.

Poor Professor Flitwick rubbed his head in confusion. What was the matter with playing the drums?


	5. Five OWL Tests

_On the Fifth Day of Christmas, Hogwarts gave to me,_

_Five OWL Tests,_

_Four spell books,_

_Three children duelling,_

_Two moving paintings,_

_And a staff choir singing out of key._

Fred and George sat in a distant corner somewhere, plotting a new amusing prank.

…at least, _they _thought it was amusing.

"Right, we've got the Ministry-approved paper, the pink ink, and a flying cow."

Fred stared at his twin.

"Okay, maybe not the flying cow, but I think we're ready."

"Aw, I want the cow," Fred whined.

The corner was hidden in a quick flurry of clever spell work, paper, a chicken (For some strange reason) and…

"PINK INK?" both twins shouted, staring down in dismay at their clothes.

Ah well. It was worth it.

The next day, the whole of the school woke up to see a new Decree posted on the billboards.

_Educational Degree #31_

_By order of the Ministry of Magic,_

_All Hogwarts 5__th__ Years must now take 5 (FIVE) OWL tests on the subjects of:_

_*Wand Waving_

_*Excessive Yelling_

_*Quidditch _

_*Class Skiving_

_*Being a Toad_

_These come into effect immediately._

_Dolores Jane Umbridge, High Inquisitor_

Everyone gasped as one, but none so forcefully as Hermione Granger, who had already began to read up on Quidditch.


	6. Six Planned Excursions

_On the sixth day of Christmas, Hagrid gave to me,_

_Six planned excursions,_

_Five OWL tests,_

_Four spell books,_

_Three children duelling,_

_Two moving paintings,_

_And a staff choir singing out of key._

"Gather 'round, gather 'round," Hagrid rumbled. Most of the 5th Years had come out, mostly to avoid the noise of the 'Hippo', but some because they were simply curious.

Hagrid claimed to have a special treat for them.

He gestured to six small objects laid out in front of him. A dragon scale, a water bottle, a metal chain, one pine cone, a stick, and…

"Hagrid, is that kelpie hair?" asked Hermione.

Hagrid beamed. "Yep. Each o' these is a Portkey. Them'll take us to different interesting places."  
Everyone touched the dragon scale. A jerk behind their navel told them that they were on their way. As they landed, a burst of fire singed their hair.

"Whoops!" yelled Hagrid as chaos ensued. "I forgot…sorry..sorry!"

"Hagrid," Ron stated, deceptively calm. "This is the GreatLake. We can come here anytime we want."

Students dodged and ducked as enchanted metal statues hacked their way around them.

"I knew this was a bad idea," Harry muttered.

"Ahh…" everyone sighed, as they arrived in a beautiful forest. Hermione gazed around, her eyes shining.  
"Hagrid, this is wonderful!"  
And that was when the chestnuts began to rain down. Rabid squirrels, hiding in the trees, were hurling them like hand grenades.

"OW!"

"Why the heck are we in the middle of the SaharaDesert?"

"NO!" everyone screamed, a backed away from the kelpie hair. As they ran back to the castle, Hagrid touched the Portkey, which took him to a beautiful island resort in the middle of Fiji.

..go figure.


End file.
